December 26, 2007
Larry Birkhead Has Unconventional Taste in Women
Remember how much you hated Kevin Federline when Britney first started humping him? You wanted to wrap one of his corn rows around the trailer hitch on you pickup truck and drag him through a parking lot full of shattered Mickey’s bottles, remember? Well, that bad decision may seem inspired if Larry Birkhead gets his very special Christmas wish. According to In Touch Weekly:
They’d either be a match made in heaven or the biggest disaster since the Titanic, but according to an insider, Larry Birkhead has a crush on Britney Spears. “I think Britney is sexy,” he tells In Touch. The insider says, “Larry has a thing for vulnerable blondes - and no one seems more vulnerable than Britney these days,” adding that Larry finds being a single dad challenging, and is looking to date a single woman with children.
Paris Done with Drunken Elephants, Moves on to Saving Environment
Everybody can stop worrying about the environment now. Stop composting your leftover chicken carcasses and go back to using real toilet paper instead of yesterday’s newspaper. Paris Hilton has it taken care of. She’ll save the whole world all by herself. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Paris Hilton is making a personal contribution to protecting the environment.
“I changed all the light bulbs to energy-safe light bulbs and I’m buying a hybrid car right now,” the 26-year-old celebrity heiress said Wednesday.
Hilton said she turns off the lights, doesn’t leave the TV on or the water running when she leaves her house.
“Little things that people can do every day to make a huge difference,” she said.
Wow, it’s a good thing Paris is dedicated to teaching us about protecting the planet. Just today we turned on every light, television set, and faucet before leaving our house. We have a real problem with leaving faucets running when we leave the house. And with pooping on the sofa. But that’s actually good for the environment. Because it saves water.
Lindsay Goes Where Britney’s Vagina Has Gone Before
Remember how much hope we had for Britney Spears after she de-Federlined? We thought she’d return to her svelte, snake-dancing ways and everything would be wonderful. Recently we’ve had similar thoughts about Lindsay Lohan, hoping that she’s really ditched the coke and will star in Mean Girls 2: My Boobs Are Fetch and we can have another ninety minutes of the amazing Lo-cans on film. But we’re beginning to suspect that Lindsay is on a Britney-like path and things can only get worse. What makes us think this? The fact that Brit’s downfall came shortly after working with and porking producer J.R. Rotem, who is currently producing Lindsay’s next album. And by the looks of these pics, he may be weaseling his way into her panties as well. And while a(nother) Lindsay beav-flash-athon followed by a public head shaving and SUV umbrella assault would be amusing, we don’t think our fragile heart can take a revisitation of such events.
A View Only Christina Aguilera’s OB/GYN Has Enjoyed
Christina Aguilera, as a rule, is pretty good about straddling the line between charmingly tawdry and full-on ass-out indecency. Spackled Real Doll makeup and cleavage you could lose your keys in is always a go, but she’s always stopped just short of reproductive organs. Dig, if you will, the picture to the left. Classic Aguilera: even heavily pregnant, she’s still willing to give us a trowel full of clown paint and a sexy short dress. And look–she’s wearing panties. OR IS SHE? Press the button that says “more” and all will be revealed. Literally.
When a lady gives birth, she finds herself splayed on a table with no fewer than three or four strangers intently peering up into her gulch. It can be a rather trying experience, so we can’t blame Christina for taking her naked labes for a trial run before the public. Pubic? Public? Whatever. Look, you can see the baby crowning.
June 27, 2007
Demi Moore Says, “Up with Nipples, Down with Fashion”
We don’t know if you’ve been paying close attention, but lately we’ve been trying to expose you to the cutting edge of fashion, as demonstrated by Demi Moore. With each new ensemble she’s proving that a positive attitude, a ’round the clock team of plastic surgeons, dermatologists, and Botox injection specialists, and a whole heaping load of twentysomthing dick can keep you looking young and fresh and relevant. But Demi also knows the true secret of fashion: When you’ve been putting off laundry day for far too long and you really need to leave the house in your last clean article of clothing, make sure your nipples are visible and no one will give a shit what you’re wearing.
Here Demi demonstrates what will surely been seen on every runway next fall: a piece of black mesh netting left over from her garden mulching, a pair of Ashton’s old flannel pajama pants, and shoes she snuck off the set of Striptease.
Oh, and Demi honey, you’re covering up the wrong part there.
Demi gets even more niptastic at Egotastic!
And she loses the shirt altogether at MrSkin.com.
June 26, 2007
“Yaaayyyy, Thanks for the Jail!”
With the wincing, shivering demeanor of an abused puppy, Paris Hilton called in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show and bowed and scraped and cried,
“I’m much more grateful for everything that I have, even just to have a pillow at night or food. In a way, I’m really glad this happened, because it changed my life forever. I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about it. Frankly, I’m sick of it. I want to use my fame in a good way. I feel like I can’t wait to start a new chapter of my life. It feels really great even though I really don’t like it here.”
1. You just now realized that the media mocks you? Just now? After we’ve all seen and heard you use racial slurs and let your hoo-ha hang out and watched your own pets turn on you? Just now?
2. How long before Buddha Hilton forgets this humility and is only grateful for food flown in directly from its source via solid platinum private jet and pillows made from the feathers of fledgling bald eagles?
Paris, MrSkin.com, you know the drill.
Paris Hilton Parties After Hours with Plastic Surgeon
Paris Hilton is officially out of sick bay and back in the general population at Lynwood Correctional Facility, where she is surely learning such skills as home tattooing and how to fashion lipstick out of menstrual blood. But even more interesting to us is the fact that, during those precious few hours she was out on house arrest, a plastic surgeon was summoned to her home. According to US Weekly:
In the early morning hours of Friday, June 8, Paris Hilton was paid a visit by a man who, while walking out of Hilton’s home at 4 a.m., confirmed to an X17 cameraman that he was her doctor.
Usmagazine.com can report that the man was, in fact, Dr. Steven Hoefflin, a renowned cosmetic surgeon, who has been dubbed “the plastic surgeon to the stars.”
The doctor was also spotted at the courthouse on June 8, when he interrupted Hilton’s hearing in order to submit a document to Judge Michael Sauer. When Hilton’s lawyer was asked for an explanation, he told the judge, “[Hoefflin] has treated my client but has no authority to speak on the case.”
If we were freshly freed from prison, our plastic surgeon would be pretty low on the list of important persons to whom we’d grant access, especially at 4 in the morning. The only logical explanation is that Paris’s wonk-eye is actually a parasitic twin that is constantly trying to ease its way down the side of her cheek to make its escape from glittery bronze tyranny, and the good doctor must constantly inject it with magic antidote to keep it in line. Yup, we’ve weighed all the possible options to explain the surgeon’s presence–family friend? Pshaw! Drug maintenance? Preposterous!–and it’s gotta be parasitic eye twin.
Paris is on the loose! At MrSkin.com.
June 19, 2007
Paris Won’t Poop OR Appeal
This weekend, Paris Hilton issued a statement saying that she would not appeal being sent back to jail. Furthermore, in a completely unsubstantiated yet hilarious story, she is reportedly refusing to eat or drink because she’s terrified that prison guards will take pictures of her sitting on the can. God, wouldn’t that be horrible? A picture of Paris Hilton sitting on a toilet. How humiliating! It’s a good thing she’s taking steps to ensure that will never, ever happen. Can you imagine the furor, the uproar that would ensue if a picture of Paris–Paris Hilton–sitting on a toilet ever got out? (Eyes slide slowly to the left)
We are reminded of the moving words of the Dead Milkmen: “I don’t piss/I don’t shit/I’m getting no relief” here. Our gossip sherpa, FemaleFirst, are the big brains behind the toilet tale. They report:
The hotel heiress - who was sent back to prison on Friday (08.06.07) after she was briefly released and put on house arrest for “medical reasons” - has stopped consuming any solids or liquids because she fears opportunist prison officers will take pictures of her relieving herself.
A source said: “At first she didn’t eat or drink anything because she didn’t want to have to use the toilet.
“She cried constantly which didn’t help the dehydration.”
You call it “toilet picture fears”, we call it “typical Hollywood diet #6″. Tomato, tomahto.
In related news, don’t expect a repeat of the catch and release and recatch song-and-dance of this past week–Paris plans to stay put in jail. Here’s her official statement:
“Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judge’s decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff’s concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience.
As I have said before, I hope others will learn from my mistake. I have also had time to read the mail from my fans. I very much appreciate all of their good wishes and hope they will keep their letters coming.
I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world.”
Seeing how Paris can barely string a complete sentence together without using the word “hott” or various sundry racial slurs, we’re gonna bet she didn’t write this. Luckily she has Statementbot 6000, a friendly, bespectacled robot up on world events, into whom she fed her original statement–”JAIL BAD!”–for translation into this eloquent, patriotic version. Similarly, this blog entry you’re reading right now read “paris is so stupid!1!!!!!! she is ugly! hahaha she don’t crap in jale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” before this translation. Thanks, Statementbot 6000!